Chemical freedom vs Natural Happiness
Monday morning 10am in a bedroom of a villa in Amsterdam. 2 friends, 2 other boys, 5 girls who I had never seen before where there with me…I looked at my hands and my fingers were knotted together. Intertwined like a bunch of ropes…my body felt like overcooked spaghetti and my legs like yogurt. I was fluid and looked down to make sure my legs were still there. Turned over and rolled up into newspaper while I had an out of body experience. Floating above myself, I was being a rolled-up newspaper laying in a kiosk waiting to be picked up…I fell from the shelf and physically became the number 9. My head curled backwards and seconds later I felt complete oneness with a table in a dark room..no thoughts, not sounds, just feeling myself physically turning from number 9 into a table…
One of my friends called my name. “Vin! Are you oke?”.. “Do you realise you have been hugging that table for the last 10 minutes?”. I saw how I was standing alone in a dark library room, semi hugging a table pillar…I went back into the bedroom. Music was playing and all over the bed were people laying around. Next to the bed was a little table filled with all sorts of drugs. Available for anyone who wanted to have some as the atmosphere was relaxed and free. Each person was in his or her own trip and this connected all of us. Strangers felt like brothers and sisters, nothing was crazy, no judgements, no borders, no responsibility and no fears. This is real freedom, this is happiness I said to myself…
I felt like a dinosaur that could only move in slow motion, the air was a thick substance and I was totally empty…I wanted to talk but my mouth was not working as it should…It was the effect of ketamine mixed with mdma, speed, xtc, weed, alcohol, hash and what not. After partying for 2 days and consuming over 12 pills of XTC, 2 grams mdma, some lines of ketamine, alcohol, weed and some hash…I had seen it all. Rats the size of cats were walking on the ceiling, came across Indians and soldiers with rifles, had run across galaxies and jumped from planet to planet…Seen furniture turning into octopuses and had been watching television on a painting…Kissed a few girls and put my drink on tables who turned out to be not there…the whole week I had been looking forward being in this state.
Saturday early afternoon starting on a festival with some ‘innocent’ XTC pills. Nothing wrong with that as everybody was doing it. Others were using more drugs then I did, and this made me justify the amounts I was taking, “Others are worse then I” I always said. I was considered normal, not very extreme by the people around me I told myself.
Vincent enjoying his chemical freedom.
I had been looking forward to this weekend because I knew I would to go ‘all out’. Monday till Wednesday I was still recovering from the previous weekend. Feeling empty and a bit burned out. From Thursday on I was looking forward to that trip again, that fix, that feeling of happiness and freedom that these drugs instantly gave me. I had a stash full of stuff at home and couldn’t wait to take it. That first pill kicking in was just the best thing that existed. It feels like sinking into an orgasmic bath. Feeling all fears disappear, seeing everyone is beautiful, everything turning into magic. Feeling sharp and mellow at the same time and everything is gorgeous…It just took one little pill, or even half of it to make me feel empathy with a blade of grass standing outside in the wind. So caring, loving and that total sense of oneness was always there when I took mdma or xtc. I just couldn’t help it..I loved it from the first moment. Just a little pill made me instantly happy.
After overcoming a weed smoking addiction of many years and ending a relationship of 6 years I had discovered party drugs. After my first pill I was hooked. It was just the best feeling there is! I couldn’t get enough, did not care about myself and could not resist the temptation. After a few times I just kept on doing it..first only on parties in weekends, later also at home and even when I had to work the next day…I did not care and It was getting worse. I was gradually loosing my spark, my energy and changed from a bright happy young man into a person who needed drugs to have fun..started to hang around with a different group of people as some of my real friends stopped using drugs or did not want to go down that road so often. From xtc and weed to mdma, ketamine, speed and GHB.
Boundaries kept stretching, I needed more and more to get the same kick. I could not see the gradual changes that had become a downwards spiral. Me and my girlfriend loved drugs and parties and consequences started happening…
after two years living like this I started seeing creatures walking through my bedroom even without taking drugs. I had massive blackouts, forgot everything and was often ill for days after partying a weekend. My partner stopped using drugs after some bad trips that almost cost her life as she was very sensitive and got depressed and suicidal. I for example once grabbed her one second away from jumping of out of my bedroom window on the 12th floor.
She could not handle the lows and psychic dark effects that always followed the drugs high…I started to lose my joy and just felt horrible, useless, a piece of shit walking around like a zombie… In these moments I was asking myself what the purpose of my life is…Why the f*ck am I here? What is the use of all this? I was searching for answers to the reasons of my life and could not really find a reason to stop taking drugs. I just wanted to live without fear and be happy, without thinking or worrying. Drugs gave me all this in an instance. Energy, joy, spontaneity, courage, harmony, creativity, compassion, honesty, lightness, vitality, everything was there..but after the high the opposite always came. Darkness, tears, fears, anger, fatigue, insecurity and blackouts and total brain-errors.
I had a literal wakeup call…I was at work and the phone rang. It was my father saying he had been to the hospital for pain all over his body. Turned out he had Tumors in his prostate, bones, lymphatic system and through his body…Doctors said he perhaps wouldn’t make it till Christmas (which was only 12 weeks left). They literally told us “I have the worst news for you I can possibly have for a human being” … “Wout has three more months to live, you will be lucky if he makes it until Christmas”…. This had devastating impact….But my father was not blindly following what doctors had said…he believed deep inside his heart and guts it was not his time to go…
He was motivated to change and started studying his health to optimize and boost his immune system. This event made me realize life is not just about feeling free in weekends by taking chemicals and having a great time…but what is this life all about? This question echoed deep within…despite the situation of my father I still could not resist the drugs..still hooked to those moments of pure bliss and letting go all worries and fears by taking something.
Helen was looking for a way out this life of parties, drugs and emotional problems. She had tried many things and decided in the summer of 2012 to start learning Rainbow Tai-Chi in a school in Devon, England. A rustic school called “The Rainbow Tai-Chi-Chi healing school”. She went for 8 days summer school because she had a good feeling about it, something in her said she needed to be there. After 3 days on the course she felt a calling to stay and live physically in the Rainbow Tai-Chi school. When she came back she gave up her apartment in Amsterdam, left her well paid job and her social life to learn as an apprentice with a real Taoist Tai-Chi Master.
I was still in Holland, only interested in parties and accepted the situation totally. We started a long-distance relationship but my drug use was making us grow apart.
A big turning point came when I went to the Rainbow Tai-Chi school for a weekend workshop on health and rejuvenation. When I met Master Choy I understood Helen completely. This is the teacher I need to be with is what I felt deep within. I signed up for the Foundation Taoist Tai-Chi Teacher training just like Helen. I started practicing Rainbow Tai-Chi every day and managed to change! Finally, I found tools to help me let go my neediness of the external approval. I was learning an intrinsic practice for the heart, body, mind and spirit that was so all encompassing. It helped me to find more balance and to love and accept myself as I really am. I discovered I was looking for this all the time trough drugs and parties in the external world, but it can all be found within. I don’t need drugs to let go and to feel happy, I just needed to slow down and connect to my heart and center of myself.
Even my father started practicing Rainbow Tai-Chi & Chi-Kung as it has amazing healing benefits. He feels the Chi pouring through him and because of his walks in the Forrest, healthy foods and practice of The Rainbow Tai-Chi and Chi-Kung exercises my father is now 7 years later still alive! Doctors are amazed and are talking about a ‘miracle’. I myself have overcome my addictions to drugs and parties using the Rainbow Tai-Chi principles and practices. I have written a book about my transformation process: “A man does not fight when he is light’ and have felt like being on drugs in my practice. I felt all my drug use has been an attempt to find this what I am now finding in Rainbow Tai-Chi. After living with Master Choy for 2 years, studying to become and instructor for 4 years and now all together learning with Master Choy for 7 years. Me and Helen are running Rainbow Tai-Chi-Chi-Kung classes and workshops in UK, Holland and Spain. Here we both share the Rainbow Tai-Chi teachings and I can say from experience to all young people out there who can’t stop taking drugs. Learn the first 4 rainbow Tai-Chi exercises and principles and you will see what you are looking for is already within you! You can open up in a more natural way. Nature is the best drug there is! Experience freedom and happiness without re-balancing into feeling shit from all the chemicals you put into your body.
For the story of Helen and me and my father Wout, please get in touch at firstname.lastname@example.org and also for the book “a man does not fight when he is light”.
If you want to learn directly with the greatest Taoist Tai-Chi Teacher I know, Master Choy, check out www.rainbow-taichi.org.uk it will lighten you up for sure!
I couldn’t have changed the way I did without this great wise authentic Master of the Rainbow Tai-Chi teaching. My gratitude towards Master Choy is eternal!
Thank you for reading this glimpse of my life.
With smiling Chi,